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SLOW BURN Hot Sauce Personality Quiz

Name (Whatever the dealer calls you at the Texas Hold'em table.):
Current Hot Sauce of Choice (Also optional.):
Email (But only if you want our newsletter -- hot sauce doesn't go well on spam.):

What's most important?

Money.

Sex.

Beauty.

Power.

Scientology.

My own TV sit com so that jerk Kyle who used to steal my lunch in the third grade will sit around in his filthy undershirt on Thursday nights, scratching himself and feeling jealous.

What's your secret mutant power?

Leaping tall buildings at a single bound, x-ray vision, dancing with speeding bullets.

Saving the world. A lot.

Seeing dead people.

Doing algorithms with a slide rule.

Living a productive life without ever once setting foot in CostCo.

Knowing when a telemarketer is gonna call before the phone rings.

How do you deal with the problems in your life?

Run around screaming a lot and waving my hands over my head until I collapse into a puddle of sobbing protoplasm.

Get drunk and happy unless I have a pal who's recently had gum surgery in which case I steal his painkillers and get blitzed and happy.

See my therapist and talk about my mother.

See my therapist and talk about my lover.

See my therapist and refuse to talk.

Work on my Internet homage to Dylan Klebold.

How do you react when you have a crush on someone?

Play the Eagles' Desperado over and over and over.

Crushes are immature. I have deep, meaningful relationships with the people who refuse to go out with me.

Giggle uncontrollably. Break out in hives.

Get drunk at parties. Make passes at their roommates.

Besiege them with candy, flowers and voicemail until they finally give in. Then, go out with them once and dump them.

Find every opportunity to hang out with them in a neutral setting so that when we finally work out way up to sizzling lip clinches, we can still be friends if I don't like his/her mouthwash.

When you hype yourself shamelessly, you always mention:

Your SAT scores.

Your Mini Cooper.

Your collection of Jimi Hendrix albums.

Your mother's maiden name.

Your subscription to The New Yorker.

Your therapist.

What kind of food do you like that other people hate?

Wallpaper paste.

Anchovies.

Rocky mountain oysters.

Escargots.

Pop Rocks.

Thunderbird.

What nonfiction is on your nightstand?

The Atkins Diet.

STRUCTURALIST ANALYSIS IN CONTEMPORARY SOCIAL THOUGHT: A Comparison of the Theories of Claude Levi-Strauss and Louis Althusser.

How To Pick Up Girls!

How To Pick Up Girls On Public Beaches!

Prayers God Always Answers.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

Would you rather be a hammer than a nail?

Yep, I like to pound.

No -- because despite how it seems from the outside, the bottom is always in control.

Utility belts were never my thing.

Personally, I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail.

Simon was just riding Garfunkel's shirt-tails, man.

My therapist warned me about questions like this.

Which of these terms best describes you?

Warm, vibrant, generous.

Fiery, competitive, dominant.

Morbid, surreptitious, subversive.

Loud, overbearing, obnoxious.

Droll, arch, debonair.

I don't know -- why don't you ask my therapist?

You already know what kind of hot sauce you like, don't you? So why are you taking this quiz?

I'm thirsty for self-knowledge.

I want to steal your javascript.

Hey, it's there; I'm here — Survivor doesn't start for another seven minutes.

It's two o' clock in the morning and I'm looking to illuminate the dark night of the soul.

Quizzes are cheaper than therapy.

Hot sauce? Wait — I thought this quiz was supposed to tell me which character I am in Finding Nemo.